Beauty Overcoming Fear

Dbicycle

When you look at the photo of me pedaling along my favorite trail, a 10 mile trail that encompasses more nature than populated areas – fear is likely the last thought to come to mind. Why would anyone think of fear when you become one with nature, which is what we see happening in the photo? Fear. I’ll get to that, in time, but in the meantime, I want to tell you more about this trail and all the beautiful and wonderful moments it has to offer. Thoreau would have fallen in love with this area, as I try so hard to do. This is a nature lover’s geographic locale dream.

There is a paved trail and an unpaved trail. The unpaved trail is used by runners. The two trails are separated by a creek and both trails run along heavily wooded areas for most of the 10 miles. The creek is full of soft shelled turtles that burrow under the sand; yellow bellied river turtles, and several species of small fish. Occasionally, there will be people down in the creeks attempting to catch the small fish, which I can only presume will be used as bait to catch larger fish in another area, perhaps the Edisto River, which is the closest river.

When Cindy and I ride this trail, it always feels as if we are entering a wildlife sanctuary, as the wildlife is so abundant. We have been privy to seeing deer drinking from the creek, but fleeing upon seeing us pedaling toward them. We have seen deer standing just behind the trees, so statuesque with only their eyes moving as they watched us approach and pass them by. We have seen rabbits, but what we see more than anything else are birds. We see cardinals, hawks, ducks, egrets, mallards and an assortment of other birds. On one ride we saw five barred owls in flight as they flew from one tree to another before flying to another tree across the creek. On our next ride, we saw a lone barred owl that sat on its tree limb not moving, but returning our curious looks. While most wildlife either runs off, hops off, burrows, or flies away before we can capture the moment of their existence in a photo, this barred owl sat for Cindy while she dismounted from her bicycle and took several photos before the owl flew up into the tree to higher limb.

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The beauty of the trail is breathtaking; however, I have yet been able to fully enjoy its beauty. I get on my bike and from the moment we drive onto the trail, away from the safety of the Jeep, to the moment we return from our ride, my heart beats faster, and I am jumpy. I don’t want to get off my bike and look at anything. I just want to get the ride over with.

I used to be a shower thinker, but since I’ve been riding my bike, I have become a bicycle thinker. What else is there to do? Nothing. So I pedal, and I think, while I keep my eyes moving, sweeping them from left to right as if I were out on point looking for something that does not feel right, or does not fit in – scrutinizing the notches made in the trees with a hatchet or machete, or any sudden movements in the brush.

Every time we ride this trail, we always encounter women walking the trail alone. I envy them, but I also think they are not being very smart to be out walking alone in this isolated area. After a while, as I’m thinking, and before I talk to Cindy about it, I think back to how I used to do the same things alone. I would ride the trails and walk alone, and I did so without a second thought, fearless. And there it is! There was a time in my life when I was fearless, but that was before the last back-to-back deployments I did before I retired.

The two deployments changed me, and they changed the way I live my life. I am not just now discovering this. I came home from my last deployment in September 2006 and by October I wouldn’t leave my house. I had come face-to-face with fear, and while over the years I have slowly gotten better, it is still with trepidation that I leave my home; although, I can now do so without having to take Klonopin or Xanax. It has not yet been a year that I stopped taking a pill to leave my home, and I carry an emergency pill pack in case I feel a panic attack coming on, which has not happened in six months or more, but just as I look forward to the end of our bike rides, I still look forward to returning to the safety of my home after being out.

I am different, I will always be different from who I was before those last two deployments. I have been told that I have a new normal, and while there is a large part of me that feels less of a person than I was – inferior, I refuse to give in to the fear that has shut me off from so many parts of living my life, namely my writing. That is what has hurt me the most because writing was what always defined me. My military career was supposed to be my means to writing, but I was silenced. Guess what? I’m back! I am writing again, and I will continue to venture out for my bike rides. I want to believe that the more I ride, the more times I return to the beautiful trail we found to ride, the easier it will become for me to enjoy the beauty that engulfs me when I ride.


11 thoughts on “Beauty Overcoming Fear

  1. Reblogged this on A Writer Writing and commented:

    I wrote “Beauty Overcoming Fear” to write about my daily struggles with fear after completing two back-to-back deployments a couple years before I retired. My last deployment ended in September 2006, which speaks to the longevity of the suffering. This is about my battle with daily #fear and #ptsd; however, I am hoping to reach other #veterans to let them know that they are not alone; there is hope. Our lives will never be what they once were, but we can, and must, adjust to our new normals and live the life we make for ourselves. To my fellow brother and sister #veterans, please know that you’re not alone. #writer #blogger

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  2. Thank you for being so honest. I’m so glad to hear that you’re recovering, and your writing is really beautiful. I’m certain this will be helpful to other veterans and will give them hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for sharing this. My heart goes out to you, and I appreciate your service from the bottom of my heart. My stepdaughter did five tours of duty from 2001 to 2008 and the experiences changed her as well. How could any of you live through these things and not be affected?

    I appreciate that you read my posts, and I enjoy yours as well. This last is inspiring, and even though I have never been in your shoes and given what you have given, I too remain alert everywhere I am. I see potential danger everywhere, but try not to let it overwhelm me (much easier said than done). I hope that you can come to a place of peace and comfort in your heart and mind.

    Thank you for this post.

    Best,

    Jane

    Liked by 1 person

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